Taking a Diet Break

I've been eating in a deficit since about mid February, so it's time for a dieting break. I still have some fat loss to do to reach my body composition goals, but I'm following the recommendations of Leigh Peele to take 10-14 day break following a 12-week deficit plan. I've actually been in a deficit for longer, but I was really scared to do the refeed for fears of the return of the binge monkeys.

So far...not bad!

Had a trip-up at the start though, which I think is to be expected.

Here's a recap I composed yesterday morning, followed by last night's observations.

So, here is Wednesday, mid-week for my journey.

What a ride! I started on Saturday, and it was a very nervous day, and in retrospect, I can see how I got all worked up about it, which caused a bit of a chain reaction in me in terms of my starve/binge cycling history with food.

I jumped in full throttle (of course) instead of taking it slow, and that included a glass of wine on Saturday night while I was waiting for my friend to go to a movie. I allotted for the cals, so that part was fine, but it was more the mental exercise of doing it.

I arrived at the movie theatre and parked the car much earlier than I thought, so I figured I would try and be "normal" and waited at the bar across from the theatre and enjoyed a glass of wine while catching up on the newspaper and watching the start of the game. (CBC Hockey Night in Canada). It was great actually, I paced myself, had a glass of water, and felt relaxed and like I was participating in something social and normal for the first time in months. *Quick background: I have a tendency towards isolating myself and avoiding social situations due to my issues with food, so this was a pretty big moment for me.

Well, alcohol and I don't mix all too well, and I'm sure it was also hugely related to my general anxiety around not only the upcoming refeed (I'm a lifelong dieter) and some personal issues I'm dealing with in regards to my mother. So I didn't sleep well at all on Saturday, and so I woke up super early on Sunday feeling tired. I spent the morning quietly doing my fave Sunday things, and then spent some time with my mom at a Farmer's Market/Art show thing at the Parkdale Market in Hintonburg here in Ottawa. It was nice, but by the time I got home around 2pm I was spent emotionally and physically. And I binged. And then I felt like a huge failure since I hadn't binged like that in months, but I recognized right away the events leading up to it, and managed to get past it really well actually.

So Monday was a lower calorie day, partly to compensate and partly because I really had no appetite and was still digesting much of the food from the day before. Went to bed super early Monday night, and had my first calm day of the refeed yesterday.

Observations: holy crap, I feel like I'm eating SO MUCH Food!! LOL. But I'm not really, everything is still being measured out and uber controlled by moi (yeah yeah I know, working on it haha) so I know that I'm not overeating, but I am feeling alternating moments of fullness and satiety and then moments of headaches and like I'm really really hungry as if I were still in a deficit. I know this is my body working out its own homeostasis, so I'm practicing patience, and trusting in the process.

But it's really hard at time not to go back to just doing another deficit week. Just yesterday morning, during my morning walk and reflective time, I had to remind myself yet again of my goals that I declared on Saturday. And I really fought it - but I just calmly told myself that this is one week, and re-read all the wonderful advice and facts & figures from my amazing BBE Forum peeps, including the brilliant and talented Miss Leigh and Mr. Fass, and I decided to stay the course.

So, essentially, I guess yesterday was really the first day of not feeling the anxiety around the food, and that was cool. I'm noticing that some of my other habits have returned, like the fidgeting and not being able to sit still for long. If anyone has listened to Leigh talk about those personality traits in people with high levels of NEAT, I can definitely relate.

Does anyone else out there meditate? You know how it's about learning to observe your thoughts as opposed to controlling them? I've been observing my actions/energy levels/body signals the past few months like never before, and I can really see changes when I'm dieting versus when I'm eating more. It's interesting and, because I'm a total nerd, utterly fascinating!!! I feel like I'm my own science experiment in a way. C'est fun! (holla all you fellow anglophone/francophone Ontario Franglish speakers, you know you're out there!!)


And Wednesday Night: 


This morning's workout was great!

I woke up early, feeling rested and full of good energy to start the day. Since I was up early, I had some extra time on my hands which made for a proper fuel and digestion before my workout which was noticeable. Could I be enjoying this eating at maintenance thing? Hmm....me thinks I am!

Today's workout was a quick dynamic warmup ('natch) and some shoulder overhead presses before a run. I am running about once a week right now, and Wednesdays seem to be my day of choice, so I run with it. Get it? Hehe

For any of you who listened to Todd Durkin's talk about on episode 177 of the Fitcast, he speaks about the importance of having your morning meditation time. Now, I've always had a sort of meditation-type relationship with running, but I often took my running, and other workouts, to extremes. But mainly right now the focus is trying to figure out how to achieve a kind of balance. First and foremost with food, and that is also why I've got such an emotional investment in doing a “maintenance/refeed" week. Whether you relate to the yin/yang kind of balance that is achieved through sport/rest, food intake/energy output, work/life, or the more philosophical way of pondering the bigger meanings to things in life, it's all kind of different degrees of the same unit. Different units of measurement if you will.  And there I go on another tangent....

Anyways, so all that to say running for me is my zen time. And today, being properly fueled made for a wonderful run. I kept it short, 25 mins, and I even managed to fight off the urge to go faster, or do speed intervals. So just did my thang, nice and steady, purely to enjoy the 25 mins of “me” time to let my mind wander and enjoy the music on my ipod, and it was AMAZING!! I had so many fresh insights and little moments of joy, creative ideas, new ways of handling some problem people in my life, all in all I was able to make a plan for my day. Also, knowing that I was purposely doing a maintenance week, I was able to give myself permission to not have to do a speed workout, or crazy hills, or whatever. It was really nice.

I realized something else today that I didn't even notice this morning – I didn't even check the treadmill to see how far I ran during that 25 mins. I have never done that!!! I usually check my distance, and then sometimes will run a bit longer, or faster near the end so as to meet whatever goal I think I need to do before I'm allowed to stop. Fine for when you need to really push through a workout to make improvement, but not necessary or even healthy to do that EVERY SINGLE WORKOUT! Haha, so it really made me so happy to notice that, it's cool. 

Also, I just really enjoyed my run. Period. I was totally in a happy place near the end (I can tell because that's when I start my goofy smile while running), and then my water bottle flew off the treadmill. I didn't lose a beat, and just figured I would get it when I was done. I did a quick shoulder check and saw that it had rolled next to the wall, so I was cool knowing it wasn't in anyone's way. Then some guy came up and put it back on the treadmill for me! So I took off my earphones to thank him, and then when I got back to thoughts, I kind of thought to myself how cool it is when you just let go, and lo and behold people voluntarily help you out of the blue, out of the kindness of their nature, and it's just really neat. I am not used to asking for help, so it was something I chose to interpret as a life lesson in a way. Kinda like karma in a sense...I dunno, maybe that sounds wishy washy to some people, but it's something I think about a lot. Like, do you ever just have a day where you are really tuned into your intuition and things just flow?! I've been having a lot of those the past couple months since I figured out how to really focus, it's been crazy cool.

Anyways, I'm actually enjoying myself now that I have finally let go and gave into the refeed. So for anyone out there who is struggling...it's just one week.  Plan it out, do your thang, but embrace it

Lazy Sunday

So I was up early today, and didn't have a very restful sleep. I'll get into why in just a moment, but first, I wanted to revisit some of my old goals that I posted on here on Dec 31, 2009, and entitled "2010 Lynda List"

1. I will get back to 125lbs for May 2010. 

CHECK!

I got to 130, but more importantly, I fit into all my clothes again. Right now I'm on a 1-week break from being in a deficit, and am eating in a maintenance range of calories. Then I will start another cutting phase to take me to the end of the summer, or at least the next 12 weeks.  At that time, I will do another dieting break. 

2. I will navigate the Winter school term with a focus on my personal well being, and not getting overwhelmed and stressed.

CHECK!

I scored A's and A+'s on my last 3 essay assignments in various classes, and my final essay on my Kine1000 exam was an A+. I figured out how to write, and how to study. It actually blew my mind, re-igniting my passion for writing.

3. I will graduate from York University with a degree in Kinesiology.

For obvious reasons, this hasn't been completed yet. ;) But I now have a solid plan which I worked out with a wonderful Academic Advisor before I left campus. So to further clarify this goal: Undergrad in Kine, Master in Psychology, and PhD. 

4. I will travel to Europe and live/work there for a period of time no less than 3 months.

For the same reason as above, this is a long-term goal, and so it hasn't yet happened. But I think of it constantly, and it acts as a kind of anchor for when I'm feeling tired, or rundown.

5. I will get a roomie in Fall 2010 and live in downtown Toronto, and commute to school with my monthly TTC pass.

CHECK!

I met Trinh in line at the Second Cup while chatting with Priscilla about places to rent, and now all 3 of us are signed off on a 2-year lease for a 3-bedroom townhouse in the Village next to campus. I am super excited about it!

So with that out of the way, I want to talk about why I'm so tired this morning. 

Yesterday was the first day of my refeed, and I was really anxious leading up to it. I've known for a while that I needed to do one, but I delayed it because I wasn't quite where I wanted to be for my move back to Ottawa.  I knew that going back to the office was making me really nervous, because I didn't want to arrive fat. That's another topic for another day of course, but the point is, I was due for a break.

So I posted my worries on the BBE forums, and got some amazing replies back. Everyone who responded was not only supportive, but helped me to come up with a strategy, and reminded me that maintenance is just that - maintaining my weight, not gaining. 

So I planned out my meals for the day, but still felt really anxious about eating more. But I kept just thinking back to making sure I didn't binge, and reminding myself to practice patience. I don't have to eat everything in one day! I even ended up at The Green Door for lunch, and served myself a plate of food made from a mindspace of calm, and honest intention. 

I enjoy the spelt bread so much there, I allowed myself a slice of the onion/herb kind, with a pat of real butter. Then the second item I love there are the spinach/feta phyllo dough thingys, so I had one of those. And the third and final food item I go there for is the carob/chocolate cake. I served myself a small slice, and filled out the rest of my plate with wonderful green veggies, mushrooms, onions, peppers, and 3 olives. 

I had fiddleheads, asparagus, green beans, peas in the pod, and a spicy kale salad. All were fresh, organically and locally grown, and cooked to perfection so as to be super bright green! I sat down at the table, and practiced being mindful about each and every bite. I put my fork down in between mouthfuls, and concentrated on actually chewing and tasting my food. I ate the greens first, and then slowly picked up the slice of bread. I broke the rather larger chunk into about 4 smaller chunks, and ate it slowly. I paid really close attention to when I started to feel my belly fill. I kept telling myself I was allowed to leave food behind on the plate if I was full, and that doing so was ok. I noticed two young women sit down next to me started to talk to one another in french, and it reminded me of what I've read regarding how the French really enjoy the full dining experience, and don't shovel in their food. 

After my meal was done, I sat and waited for about 15 minutes before I started on my dessert. I took small bites, and wow, it was delicious! Each slice was topped with a solitary almond, and I even recall thinking that I would allow myself the slice, but leave the almond behind when I caught myself, and realized just how obsessive that thinking truly sounded. I ate the almond in the next bite! ;)

On the bus ride home, I started to have rushing thoughts of "Oh my god, I need to make sure I don't freak out, I need to remember to take deep breaths" and then all of a sudden I told myself "Stop. You are the one controlling your thoughts right now. Just stop. Be calm." And then I was. It was a quick and purposeful shift. And the calmness lasted long enough to enable me to mentally calculate the calories from that meal, and figure out how much dinner I could have while still staying within the range of maintenance calories. 

Did I struggle with wanting to just say screw it, and have a big dinner anyways because I'd "already blown it" with the bread and cake? Absolutely. But I didn't. Instead, at dinner time, I had my planned meal of zucchini and home-made tomato sauce, and the last of my laughing cow wedges with some olives.  Then I went to Starbucks to enjoy a decaf, double long espresso and journal my thoughts onto paper before heading to the movie theatre. I wasn't sure about parking, so I was a full 30 mins earlier, so I nipped into O'Connors and sat at the bar with a glass of wine while waiting for Rebeca. And that is why I didn't sleep so well. LOL

Something about wine doesn't agree with me. I had the glass around 7ish, and stretched it out a full 45 minutes, and nursed a glass of water at the same time. When I got home and actually crawled into bed just before midnight, right away I noticed my stomach was upset, and gassy, and I felt really uncomfortable. Through the night, I woke up a few times, and had to get up around 3:30 am for some water because I had the worst dry mouth. But my pee was clear as water, so I know I was hydrated enough, so it was the alcohol giving me the dry mouth. At 4am, I couldn't sleep anymore, and so I got up. I still have a mild headache, and it's about 6:30 am as I right this. I've had my regular breakfast and decaf coffee, and some water. But I feel really tired, and that I could almost go back to bed in a bit. I just might do that. But first I journaled on paper about my decision to treat wine as a celebratory treat instead of something I'm depriving myself of, and I've decided to give those 2 bottles of wine Andrew purchased for me back to him. I just don't enjoy it THAT much. I would prefer to fit in a few bites of dark chocolate at the end of my day, and leave the wine for someone else. Knowing this about myself is really cool, because it's a decision purely made by me, and not by what anyone else thinks I "should" be able to eat or not eat. :) It feels great!! 

Intense

Today was intense. Diet wise? Beautiful!! Did I want to eat purely out of emotions? Yes. Did I? No. Hurray!!

Seriously though, today was tough. Our Health/Society lecture today was the 3rd in a 4-part series on the Body as Machine idea. Basically it's exploring the notion of how focusing athletes on treating their bodies as machines teaches them to potentially ignore emotions which are normal, and the effects this can have...and of course, it hits really close to home as I battle my own demons of disordered eating and ignoring pain and taking things to extremes.

Then we jumped right into our Health lecture featuring a guest lecturer who is actually someone I hugely respect here at school. I met with him in the Fall when they were looking for candidates for a study on the female triad syndrome in athletes, but I didn't qualify because of my age category. He did take the time to meet with me though, and we had a really great conversation. He was one of the first professionals I felt comfortable enough to approach regarding my condition, and he was not only super informative as this is his area of study, but he was really considerate and kind.

At several points during his lecture though, I felt my emotions well up and just wanted to cry. LIke I said, it's a health issue that hits really close to home, and I just needed some comforting.

So then I finished off the morning with my tutorial, still feeling a bit raw from the amenorrhea lecture, and while we had some great discussions in class, there was a weird moment where I felt like one of the students got some unfair treatment and it left me feeling kinda meh.

So after all that, I am happy to report that I was able to separate my emotions from my food, and stayed in my deficit, AND reached out to several friends for some much needed spirit/mood boosting. 

I'm really feeling the whole vibe of where I'm at that "boring" stage of fat loss where it's pretty much where I need to practice patience with the consistency. Such is life eh? But it's really not so bad, I'm in a good zone mentally. All in all, I give today a thumbs up 

Sleepless

Today was a really good day. I feel like I'm in a really good zone lately - I'm loving my new work-free routine, and I have been able to enjoy being a student. however - at this very moment, I am tired, my right hip flexor area is sore from my workout today, and all I want to do is curl up in bed, which is actually where I was just a moment ago, but my mind is kinda racing. Not racing in a bad way...but like...racing in a daydreaming kinda way. Does anyone else ever experience this? Tuesdays are awesome for me because they start with my pkin, and then I have one of my Humanities courses. I'm taking two. The one on Tuesday is my lecture and tutorial, one following the other, for Islamic Traditions. I have a thing for religions, and have learned so much about Islam this year already, it's been great. One of the great reasons for this has also been because I'm fortunate enough to have my tutorial lead by my Professor, whom I admire and look up to. She's a woman, a Professor, a Muslim, and one of those teachers who is so gifted at what she does. When she speaks, you cannot help but be drawn in by her. She's also a gifted storyteller, and really pushes us to work hard at this course, and doesn't take any crap from nobody! LOL At the beginning of the term, when I was getting to know her, I remember swelling with pride when she remembered my name in class. I felt....noticed. And like my opinion mattered to someone. I also remember moments of feeling like, I wish this woman were my mom. And then I felt waves of guilt. I love my mom. But she was neglected emotionally in much the same way I was. That is why I grew up the way I did. I no longer have resentment or anger towards her for that like I used to. But the knowledge of it still lingers around... I'm going to be all over the place on this posting, so be warned. ;) I love that I'm meeting so may people here. Sometimes I think that's part of the reason why I get so overwhelmed by it all. In the past year I have made so many changes to my life, and done so many new things, sometimes it's all too much to take in. I never knew how people could manage to do something they love for a living and make it work. I never knew how to make life manageable outside of my boxed in world of my old corporate job. And it was a job I hated, I mean, I know some people there where doing things they loved, but for me it was like a prison. But every day I have the chance to meet and talk to new people, make new friends - people from all different upbringings, and since we are all here to learn, we're all in a similar place which makes it easier to break down barriers of difference. I realize I sound very high right now! I guess this is the side of me that lends itself to getting stuck in some ways. Whether it's an unhealthy obsession, like being scared of certain foods, or whether it's manifesting itself in my binge eating...it's always there.


Right now I feel as though I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. I no longer feel scared that it all might go away, I feel very much in the moment, and I can honestly say I have never felt like this for such an extended length of time in my life. It's odd. But refreshing. And exciting.

Middle of the Week

Well, it's Wednesday, so we're about 1 week ago tomorrow where I caved in at the idea of a coworker buying me cake which lead to a food-craved weekend. It's so crazy when I think about the reality of how that derailed me. I was rather contemplative about that incident while in the shower this morning, but then I also noticed how calm I felt as I prepared my breakfast. Usually I'm rushing through it as though I'm short on time, when that is rarely the case. Then I started to think of how often I rush through things to get things done on time, but I'm always early to everything, so I have no reason to rush. Then I made the connection to maybe I was using the excuse to rush as an excuse for speeding through things....or maybe this is just too deep for so early in the morning. ;)
So now on to the accountability portion of today's update: I am still debating on whether or not to post calories and workouts on here, but if I do, I want those to be separate from the text part of my updates, either along the side or something. I will have to figure that part out.
Pkin yesterday was rather dismal in terms of activity, but I went out to the mall last night which helped me with my restless feeling and managed to get some activity in from the walking, as well as some reading done while on the short subway/bus ride there and back. Pretty cool considering had I stayed home, I would have likely just wasted time on the internet and not done any reading. I'm pretty happy with my choice actually. I went to Indigo and flipped through a few books: mainly Monica Seles' book and some vegan cookbooks. I read a review of her book from another blogger It's My Life and the part where Monica struggles with binge eating really spoke to me. The comments she made about slowing down while eating, and reminding herself that this is not the last time in the world she was going to eat pizza...that just made alarms ring out in my head!! So that has been at the back of my mind for a few days now, and helped me calm down. Also, I am missing not having my trainer. I had one for 2 years, and I still miss the consistency of having someone to meet up with, and push me through those last few reps, or get me doing more upper body work when I don't feel like balancing it out and want to stick to legs...that was my rant for this morning. I miss it, and that's all. I have a busy day ahead of me, but tonight should be fun. Angela Davis is speaking at the University tonight, she has an incredible history. Formerly a Black Panther, vocal civil rights activist, and former Communist party member, she is a retired professor with the History of Consciousness Department at the University of California, Santa Cruz. (borrowed some of that from Wikipedia). But should be interesting, I'm going to meet up with a girl I met from my Islamic Traditions class and check it out. :)

Updates

So I have been posting on a log on the BBE forums, hosted by the lovely and talented Leigh Peele, but I want to develop my blog as well, so I am going to combine some of my log updates and blog posts.

Here is a bit of a recap from last week:

Friday January 29th

So this morning I woke up full of energy due to last night's cake binge, so I decided to take advantage of it and hit the gym.

I had crazy energy, but I also felt a little like puking...LOL a very strange combo. Did some deadlifts, rows, wide-grip assisted pullups, and db shoulder presses along with my regular mobility/warm up routine. Followed this up with 30 mins of intervals on the stationary bike. I love seeing how quickly I can raise and lower my heart rate. It's a little game I play. "Hi my name is Lynda, and I am a fitness nerd."

I sometimes start to talk myself into a weird conversation when I'm working out when I think about how heavy I was lifting before as compared to now, but then I snap myself out of it again. Facts: I've gained fat, I've lost strength, and right now my number one focus is fat loss, and therefore just consistency of movement and staying in a deficit. I will do pullups again, it will just take time.

So, let's talk deficit.

Had an uneasy stomach today due to yesterday's sugar overload, so at first it was a breeze. It was crazy sunny out, which in Ontario typically means it is also freezing cold. Today was no exception. But I went downtown and indulged in some window shopping and got some Olympic mittens from The Bay.

Then it kinda went downhill....I was surrounded by all these really nice shoes, clothes and...mirrors. I really do not like my reflection right now. I'm ok from the side, but face on all I can focus on is how wide my hips have gotten. Which is not to say they are gross altogether, but I'm still shocked when I see them on my own reflection. Oh and I can feel my thighs when I walk and it's kinda creepy.

However, I can also see some of my collarbone coming back and some shape coming back to my arms which tells me fat loss is happening, so that makes me happy. And my face looks a bit less puffy, which is nice.

So why am I rambling on about this and not my food? Because I'm trying to work through what triggered another episode of over eating today. Which happened when I got home btw.

1. I was freezing and feeling a little blue about not being able to shop.

2. Being around "shiny pretty things" can sometimes trigger me to want to consume just as if I were at a dessert buffet.

Two things I did that I'm proud of:

1. Walked away from the grocery store without purchasing the frozen pizza that was $5 off it's original price making it only $3.47. I don't even buy this pizza normally. In fact, I have never laid eyes on it before. It was a McCain's Hawaiian or something. Didn't even look tasty on the box, and you KNOW it always looks better on the box.

But it was on sale, and so for that reason only I actually picked it up and scanned the nutritional info. Then I STILL didn't put it down until I mentally pictured myself being unable to control my servings with it. Only then did I put it down and walk away to purchase the bananas I came for.

Baby steps.

Grocery shopping for me is sometimes like walking into a minefield. Today was a minefield day.

2. When I came home and started to overeat on PB and rice cakes beyond what I had already portioned and measured out, I stopped and asked myself what the hell was I doing? Literally. Then I realized I was eating out of emotions and not hunger. So...what are they?

- I'm scared to fail at maintaining my deficit.

- I'm scared of running out of money.

- I'm scared I will always be fat (or my version of fat)

- I burned the roof of my mouth 2 days ago and it still hurts when I eat and that made me angry. (sad but true LOL)

3. I actually had the presence of mind to not only type out what is bothering me, but post it on the forum in my new log. Yay me.

4. Oh and I painted my nails with Opi's "You Don't Know Jacques" which is a lovely matte grey colour because I am in love with grey/black stripes and I can't afford to buy the Chanel shade that I really love... LOL

5. Fell in love with a dress at H&M that would have fit me in August but does not fit me now. Am debating purchasing it anyways because I WILL fit into it damnit. Me being thin can and will be real, it is not a pipedream. And it's also in a lovely shade of grey. And it's pretty. And I think I would feel pretty in it. And I think I might go back tomorrow and purchase it. Yes, I have a shopping addiction. I also almost purchased an Irongym pullup bar from a "as seen on tv" shop in the Eaton Centre but I couldn't figure out if it was the same one I was eyeballing online.

Right...back to what I was talking about....

I just have to get used to the fact that I don't have to stay in this body shape forever. I got there twice in my life, and I will get there again. I will keep getting up on this god damn horse until I shed my protective layer for good. Hmph.

Wow I typed a crap load. I can't believe I'm actually going to post this. Scary.

Sunday January 31st

1. Worked my LAST shift at the coffee shop!! Yay!! I thought I had 3 more shifts this week, but then found out last night that they just didn't put me on the new schedule, so I was super excited when I found out.

It was hard because I was around the food and that little voice in my head was screaming at me to go to town with the snacking so I was fighting it alll night. Snacked a little, then stopped a bit, then came home and ate uncontrollably a bit but not a lot of volume...but the behaviour was there. I can't tell you how happy I am it's finally over though, it was not a safe environment for me! No more coming home at 2am

2. I bought the dress!! The pic makes it look a little flat, but I love it It's from H&M, and I can totally picture what shoes I want to get to go with it...

3. I was severely dehydrated the last two nights and as a result woke up feeling incredibly sick. It reminded me of how sick I felt the night after completing my first 1/2 marathon and didn't adequately hydrate. When my eating goes out the window, so does my water intake.

So, now I feel as though I have a bit of a fresh start to things...I have 3 months of school left, I have a goal date of May 1st because that is when I will be back in Ottawa, so I'm using that as my "show date". It's a real date, people are going to be seeing me after not having seen me in months, and I don't want to show up fat. LOL So for now, focus is fat loss, and then over the summer I'll be across the street from my old gym where my old trainer still work, so I can do some muscle building/body shaping then. I feel really good about it

Now I can focus on school and fat loss, and I don't have to worry about the added temptation of being in the coffee shop, or being on my feet for 5 hour shifts while trying to be super enthusiastic and focused on customer service. (we all know how dieting sucks and how hard it is to fake energy when you don't got it!)

Bottom line: now I get to focus on me again 100%

Today's goal: rehydrate, and due to the gross weekend I'm also coming off the sugar again, so I have a massive headache. I know from experience this will go away in a day or so, so I'm just going to take some Tylenol to get over the worst of it today.

Oh and I bought me a TTC pass for Feb, so I can come and go as I please on bus/subway, and we have a reading week coming up, so I foresee some reading time in my future in my fave settings. Surprisingly, I can sit in a coffee shop and read and LOVE it and be totally "on" in terms of retaining info, I just can't work at the shop here on campus. It's a completely different scenerio, strange but true. I also love reading while on the subway, and I generally like to get out and window shop for some me time in between studying. So that is how I work in study breaks with walking. I just hope it warms up a wee bit...

Ahhh....now on to the rest of my Sunday! I'm actually looking forward to cleaning up my apartment and setting up my home for clutter-free study zones.

Monday Feb 1^st:

I'm studying Kinesiology at York University in Toronto. I want to pursue a career as a Strength and Conditioning coach, and work with a team. I love being athletic, and working out with a specific goal to train for, but I'm no where near any kind of elite athlete level, but I still need to be around athletes. I just get so pumped when I'm around people who train hard. It makes me want to jump up and down and MOVE. hehe, i know, sounds kinda strange.

I also have a huge passion for fashion and the arts. Not sure yet how I will marry my two loves career wise, but you can guarantee that I will find a way to have both elements in my life at all times. I'm thinking of taking up french again. If I do it at school, I can take advantage of doing a semester in France....eeeeek!! Just thinking about that makes me giddy.

So I worked my last closing shift on Saturday!! Yeeehawww, man it took a lot out of me this time. I think it was more of a mental thing in that I really did NOT want to work it, because in my head I was already done. Then there was the physical part of it: being on your feet all the time, and moving all the tables/chairs around after closing to mop. Very tiring doing all that at 1am....

Yesterday was still off in terms of sleep recovery, which for me always leads to food binge behaviour and I sometimes start a downwards spiral. So today I just took things slow, went to lecture, got my groceries, and then came home and tidied up the apartment.

A teensy bit of homework avoidance, but in an effort to just "treat" myself without food, I decluttered by updating my scrapbook. I used to keep one as a little girl, where I would cut out photos from magazines of my favourite outfits, hairstyles, makeup applications, etc, and so I started one up again awhile back. This way I don't have to keep piles of magazines and newspapers lying around, and I sometimes flip through it when trying to put together an outfit. Things like colour combinations, skirt lengths/heel height combos...

I also have a separate scrapbook for workouts, fat loss articles, motivational articles, and hard copies of FLTS, BBE recipes, etc. Sometimes I like to just flip through them while enjoying a cup of tea or coffee, especially when I'm having a bit of a food rut and need to have some different recipes.

Today being Feb 1st was awesome because I got to break out the TTC pass to get my grogs. Also, managed to stay within my calorie range today. )

This is my plan for spring:

1. Use the Opt Remix calorie ranges as my nutritional guide.

2. Use my PKIN for weight training 2 x week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) with a 3rd day of either Saturday or Sunday for a 3rd day of lifting at the gym. The focus you have to have while lifting gets me out of my crazy headspace, and I love the feeling afterwards of "Yup, I just worked real hard".*

*Another confession: I have noticed that I swagger a bit on my walk home. I definitely am someone who dresses the part in life. So, after the gym, I'm in my sweats, puffy vest and ballcap, and I walk like a man who just owns the place. It's fun. LOL. I tend to listen to rap/hard rock when I workout too, so that brings out the swagga somethin' fierce. It's awesome (This is completely different from the type of walk I bring when I have my heels on, oh it's fun being a girl!!)

3. Cardio activity 3-4 times a week starting at just 20 mins a session. I will slowly increase this time in 5 min intervals as the weeks progress.

4. Mobility work and dynamic warmups are now part of my regular routine, and I love them! So I do these whenever I'm at the gym, or sometimes in my living room as a study break.

Most importantly, I am focused on consistency in my food, and regular movement. Fat loss is priority right now. Once I'm back in Ottawa in May, I'll be switching to a build phase. Well, that is the goal right now. I will evaluate my progress at that point, but the key for me is to know that I need to constantly remind myself to focus on either fat loss OR muscle building. So, when I start to get antsy about not lifting too much right now, I can relax by telling myself, "it's ok, just wait until you're back in Ottawa for that, right now, fat loss is key."

Letting Things Go...

I borrowed today's blog title from another fave blog of mine called smoothiegirleatstoo/ because I have a tendency to let little things get to me to the point where my stress level hits a max point and then I explode into a binge-eating monster.

So...what do I need to let go of today? Friday Legs Day at the gym. This requires a bit of a backstory, but the short version is for 2 years I trained at the gym with a trainer, and we did body part splits, and somehow our routine ended up with doing legs on Fridays. I LOVE LEG DAY, and combined with it being a friday, I used to love Friday mornings for this reason.

So today, I have a lecture at 9:30, and was planning on getting up early around 6 am to get breakfast, and then hit the gym for my own modified version of legs day before class. Only what I didn't anticipate was the 2:30 am wakeup from my body saying "Um, I know you're in a calorie deficit right now, but I would really like some food". Sigh. It takes me a week or so to get used to lower calories, so I have to expect that from time to time. I know that being tired also sets me up for stress eating, so I tried not to get too worked up about it, but I had a devil of a time deciding what to do when my alarm went off this morning.

I'm in a deficit right now to gradually lose the 15 lbs I gained in the Fall. (Can you say Freshman 15??~ Gross - it was due to a major relapse of my ED) I know the big picture is to focus on being consistent over the long term. I know that missing one workout will not be the end of my deficit, if anything, it will allow my body to recover. I also know that I was pretty active this week thanks in part to my PKINS where we did plyometric work on Tuesday and Thursday. My brain knows all this, but the insidious part of me that suffers from perfectionism also screams at me "But it's Friday!!! You have only 1 lecture and a ton of time to take advantage of a great gym workout!!"

So I'm fighting with myself over something ridiculous. I opted to skip the gym this morning, and tried to fall back asleep. Didn't happen. So in an effort to be kind to myself, I got up, showered, ate breakfast and told myself I could spend the time reading some chapters for my classes. Not happening. I really really miss my morning workout, and I know sometimes for me to miss a workout means my stress level will get higher because I use the exercise as a form of release. So maybe I could go later today...which means facing a busier gym, and for someone who is self conscious at a higher weight, this is tough. UGH.

I keep focussing on "be kind to myself" today. But I feel out of sorts.

Oh and it doesn't help that a particularly moody guy at work last night totally ripped into me for no good reason, and left me on the verge of tears during the last hour of my shift.  I said something to him, and he must have realized how much of an ass he was, because then he cranked on the charm and cutesy stuff to the max, and kept trying to tell me to cheer up. Don't you just love when people try to deflect their bad attitudes onto you and then accuse YOU of being grumpy?