I borrowed today's blog title from another fave blog of mine called smoothiegirleatstoo/ because I have a tendency to let little things get to me to the point where my stress level hits a max point and then I explode into a binge-eating monster.
So...what do I need to let go of today? Friday Legs Day at the gym. This requires a bit of a backstory, but the short version is for 2 years I trained at the gym with a trainer, and we did body part splits, and somehow our routine ended up with doing legs on Fridays. I LOVE LEG DAY, and combined with it being a friday, I used to love Friday mornings for this reason.
So today, I have a lecture at 9:30, and was planning on getting up early around 6 am to get breakfast, and then hit the gym for my own modified version of legs day before class. Only what I didn't anticipate was the 2:30 am wakeup from my body saying "Um, I know you're in a calorie deficit right now, but I would really like some food". Sigh. It takes me a week or so to get used to lower calories, so I have to expect that from time to time. I know that being tired also sets me up for stress eating, so I tried not to get too worked up about it, but I had a devil of a time deciding what to do when my alarm went off this morning.
I'm in a deficit right now to gradually lose the 15 lbs I gained in the Fall. (Can you say Freshman 15??~ Gross - it was due to a major relapse of my ED) I know the big picture is to focus on being consistent over the long term. I know that missing one workout will not be the end of my deficit, if anything, it will allow my body to recover. I also know that I was pretty active this week thanks in part to my PKINS where we did plyometric work on Tuesday and Thursday. My brain knows all this, but the insidious part of me that suffers from perfectionism also screams at me "But it's Friday!!! You have only 1 lecture and a ton of time to take advantage of a great gym workout!!"
So I'm fighting with myself over something ridiculous. I opted to skip the gym this morning, and tried to fall back asleep. Didn't happen. So in an effort to be kind to myself, I got up, showered, ate breakfast and told myself I could spend the time reading some chapters for my classes. Not happening. I really really miss my morning workout, and I know sometimes for me to miss a workout means my stress level will get higher because I use the exercise as a form of release. So maybe I could go later today...which means facing a busier gym, and for someone who is self conscious at a higher weight, this is tough. UGH.
I keep focussing on "be kind to myself" today. But I feel out of sorts.
Oh and it doesn't help that a particularly moody guy at work last night totally ripped into me for no good reason, and left me on the verge of tears during the last hour of my shift. I said something to him, and he must have realized how much of an ass he was, because then he cranked on the charm and cutesy stuff to the max, and kept trying to tell me to cheer up. Don't you just love when people try to deflect their bad attitudes onto you and then accuse YOU of being grumpy?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hurray for Monday!
I had a solid sleep last night and woke up very tired, and a bit stiff, but overall in a good frame of mind.
Yesterday was a busy day! I work on Saturday nights till 1:30 am, so Sundays are weird. I try to manage as best as I can without getting too stressed out about the change in routine. This is how it went yesterday:
I woke up naturally around 6am, ate my normal breakfast, then went back to bed for another 2 hours and when I woke up again I felt more like myself. Then it was a quick snack of an apple and I was off to the gym! I did some mobility work and dynamic stretches before hitting the weights which consisted of squats, leg press, rows, db shoulder press and some back hyper extensions. I'm not doing anything too regimented right now because I start my PKIN on weight training this term, and we will be working out on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have no idea what to expect out of those workouts, so I'm just trying to focus on a few key points for my own workouts, and they are:
1. Keep the weights challenging, which means, go heavy.
2. Make sure I do somewhat of an all body routine, since I'm only hitting the weights at a frequency of 2-3 times per week.
3. Getting in some cardio activity, which ranges from intervals on the bike, walks around campus, or runs at the indoor track. I LOVE the indoor track!! It felt so great to run there on Friday, I felt like my feet had wings! It was my first time on a real track, and since I live in Ontario, the snow and cold makes for some not so motivating weather for running. I used to run in all kinds of weather, but now I tend to avoid the cold, so this is perfect for me.
Then I had to work a 5 hour shift at the coffee shop with no break, so that had me on my feet the whole time, and that is just so tiring. I crashed hard when I got home last night, and my feet were so tired.
But all that is just a distant memory right now, because today I got my period!! This is so important to me right now, because it marks the second time in 2 months that I've gotten my period after a year's absence. Before that, I was on the pill for years on end, so I never really knew what "normal" meant in terms of my body and my cycle. Plus it's been a crazy stressful year, both mentally and physically (more on that another day), so I didn't know whether I had done major damage. I have a serious grin stuck to my face today!!
Yesterday was a busy day! I work on Saturday nights till 1:30 am, so Sundays are weird. I try to manage as best as I can without getting too stressed out about the change in routine. This is how it went yesterday:
I woke up naturally around 6am, ate my normal breakfast, then went back to bed for another 2 hours and when I woke up again I felt more like myself. Then it was a quick snack of an apple and I was off to the gym! I did some mobility work and dynamic stretches before hitting the weights which consisted of squats, leg press, rows, db shoulder press and some back hyper extensions. I'm not doing anything too regimented right now because I start my PKIN on weight training this term, and we will be working out on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have no idea what to expect out of those workouts, so I'm just trying to focus on a few key points for my own workouts, and they are:
1. Keep the weights challenging, which means, go heavy.
2. Make sure I do somewhat of an all body routine, since I'm only hitting the weights at a frequency of 2-3 times per week.
3. Getting in some cardio activity, which ranges from intervals on the bike, walks around campus, or runs at the indoor track. I LOVE the indoor track!! It felt so great to run there on Friday, I felt like my feet had wings! It was my first time on a real track, and since I live in Ontario, the snow and cold makes for some not so motivating weather for running. I used to run in all kinds of weather, but now I tend to avoid the cold, so this is perfect for me.
Then I had to work a 5 hour shift at the coffee shop with no break, so that had me on my feet the whole time, and that is just so tiring. I crashed hard when I got home last night, and my feet were so tired.
But all that is just a distant memory right now, because today I got my period!! This is so important to me right now, because it marks the second time in 2 months that I've gotten my period after a year's absence. Before that, I was on the pill for years on end, so I never really knew what "normal" meant in terms of my body and my cycle. Plus it's been a crazy stressful year, both mentally and physically (more on that another day), so I didn't know whether I had done major damage. I have a serious grin stuck to my face today!!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Ugh, crazy dreams
So I worked at the coffee shop last night for only a 3 hour shift, but it completely wore me out. Mind you, I had a full day. I was up at 6am, and hit the gym for a back workout. I managed to go up a bit on my deadlifts, but good old grip strength gave out before I could finish past 8 reps on my last set. However, I am reminded that this in itself is not a failure, because it means I pushed myself to the max I could do at the time, so that means I did some good work.
My PKIN for weight training started this week, and we do the class in the Toronto Field and Track centre, and can I just say WOW. I just love being in that place. You watch these amazing athletes go around the track, and they are fast let me tell you!! Several different body shapes, but all lean and strong. We haven't actually starting working out yet, but hopefully next week we'll have gotten started. I've just been doing my own thing at the fitness centre on campus.
I miss my old body so much, but I'm seeing some subtle improvements as a result of my consistent eating habits and working out. I think I want to bump up my cardio a bit to work off some extra calories, but I don't want to take it to the point where it is causing me to have increased hunger. So I will play around a bit with lowering the cals vs. upping the activity.
Here is my mental block I'm trying to push through right now: body image. Since gaining the weight so quickly, my confidence has taken a beating, and I find that old feeling of extreme shyness at the gym came back. So I only like to lift in the mornings when there are less people hanging around. Also, the age category at the campus gym is very young, so there are a lot of young guys hanging around the weights, which just makes for annoyance. Sometimes I feel like I'm on display because I'm using the free weights, or because I'm doing old school squats and deadlifts. While I'm sure that is true, it's probably not in a negative way like my brain is telling me. I know this sounds mean, but these are young guys, so I'm sure there is a lot of oggling going on.
Another thing is I'm trying to embrace my curves right now. My breasts are completely filling out my bras, and I still have some good shape, so I try to walk like I am owning it, and sometimes that works. I still get a nasty shock when I see my reflection sometimes, and that plays little games in my head. Like sometimes it breaks down my faith in my ability to achieve my weight loss. So I just keep telling that voice to shut it, and I remind myself that it's the consistency that counts.
My PKIN for weight training started this week, and we do the class in the Toronto Field and Track centre, and can I just say WOW. I just love being in that place. You watch these amazing athletes go around the track, and they are fast let me tell you!! Several different body shapes, but all lean and strong. We haven't actually starting working out yet, but hopefully next week we'll have gotten started. I've just been doing my own thing at the fitness centre on campus.
I miss my old body so much, but I'm seeing some subtle improvements as a result of my consistent eating habits and working out. I think I want to bump up my cardio a bit to work off some extra calories, but I don't want to take it to the point where it is causing me to have increased hunger. So I will play around a bit with lowering the cals vs. upping the activity.
Here is my mental block I'm trying to push through right now: body image. Since gaining the weight so quickly, my confidence has taken a beating, and I find that old feeling of extreme shyness at the gym came back. So I only like to lift in the mornings when there are less people hanging around. Also, the age category at the campus gym is very young, so there are a lot of young guys hanging around the weights, which just makes for annoyance. Sometimes I feel like I'm on display because I'm using the free weights, or because I'm doing old school squats and deadlifts. While I'm sure that is true, it's probably not in a negative way like my brain is telling me. I know this sounds mean, but these are young guys, so I'm sure there is a lot of oggling going on.
Another thing is I'm trying to embrace my curves right now. My breasts are completely filling out my bras, and I still have some good shape, so I try to walk like I am owning it, and sometimes that works. I still get a nasty shock when I see my reflection sometimes, and that plays little games in my head. Like sometimes it breaks down my faith in my ability to achieve my weight loss. So I just keep telling that voice to shut it, and I remind myself that it's the consistency that counts.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Sunny Saturday
Just finished my yummy breakfast of a Green Monster (spinach/almond milk/wheat germ) and egg/oats/cranberry pancake! I love starting the day after a solid night's sleep with a breakfast I love. Breakfast is easily my favourite meal of the day.
I've been re-reading a lot of the Oh She Glows posts in regards to how she overcame her binge eating and gradually took off the weight. It's inspiring.
I don't know if I will ever lose my addictive behaviour around food, but I know I can learn some new healthy mind habits that will keep me towards a healthier outlook.
I've also been listening to Tony Robbin's Awaken the Giant Within on my ipod when I go for walks, and he talks about having a Magnificent Obession. Then I realized, that is what worked for me so well last year when I was sad and stressed out, and just plain miserable from my job. So I feel as though the New Year is a good time for me to focus again on what my MO is for me.
I have a few things in my favour, the number one being that using January as a time to refocus and get healthy is already a familiar habit with me. The 2 times in the past I have been successful at changing my body and eating for the better have both started in Januaries. When something is familiar, it's a habit, and that is one good habit I have already that I can draw strength from.
I still am struggling with some old patterns of people pleasing. A good friend of mine got pissed at me for not making time for her over the holidays, but I just couldn't make it happen. I have to focus on what works for me.
That being said, I also let a guy walk over me a bit, which now, looking back, I can see where my gut was telling me one thing, but my head told me to stick it out until it was over. I met up with an ex boyfriend for a movie. While we were watching the previews, he kept pawing and pawing at me in a way that was annoying and distracting. I LOVE going to the movies, and I love seeing previews - the whole experience. So we're sitting there, and he wouldn't stop. I kept pushing his hand away, and he kept pushing it back until finally he said something like, "Don't worry, I'll stop when the movie starts" and what did I do? Sat there and took it, like WTF???? Like, why didn't I get up and walk away? In my head, I remember thinking, "oh, he said he'll stop when the movie starts, I'll wait until then".
What within me keeps just going along with what other people want? When do I focus on me? Why is it easier to establish boundaries on my time with woman but not men? Why do I not have any boundaries on my BODY with men?
These are things I will improve upon. Being aware of them is the first step, and I have an amazing counsellor at school with whom I can build strategies with. I also need to tune in more to my gut feelings and trust them, and learn to listen to them. It's so close to all the bad habits I possess. Like the binge eating, my gut will be screaming out "Nooooo!!!" but I just choose to follow through with the eating habit. It's familiar, and a form of comfort. I will instead talk to people when I'm feeling vulnerable, and honour my body.
Pura Vida xoxo
I've been re-reading a lot of the Oh She Glows posts in regards to how she overcame her binge eating and gradually took off the weight. It's inspiring.
I don't know if I will ever lose my addictive behaviour around food, but I know I can learn some new healthy mind habits that will keep me towards a healthier outlook.
I've also been listening to Tony Robbin's Awaken the Giant Within on my ipod when I go for walks, and he talks about having a Magnificent Obession. Then I realized, that is what worked for me so well last year when I was sad and stressed out, and just plain miserable from my job. So I feel as though the New Year is a good time for me to focus again on what my MO is for me.
I have a few things in my favour, the number one being that using January as a time to refocus and get healthy is already a familiar habit with me. The 2 times in the past I have been successful at changing my body and eating for the better have both started in Januaries. When something is familiar, it's a habit, and that is one good habit I have already that I can draw strength from.
I still am struggling with some old patterns of people pleasing. A good friend of mine got pissed at me for not making time for her over the holidays, but I just couldn't make it happen. I have to focus on what works for me.
That being said, I also let a guy walk over me a bit, which now, looking back, I can see where my gut was telling me one thing, but my head told me to stick it out until it was over. I met up with an ex boyfriend for a movie. While we were watching the previews, he kept pawing and pawing at me in a way that was annoying and distracting. I LOVE going to the movies, and I love seeing previews - the whole experience. So we're sitting there, and he wouldn't stop. I kept pushing his hand away, and he kept pushing it back until finally he said something like, "Don't worry, I'll stop when the movie starts" and what did I do? Sat there and took it, like WTF???? Like, why didn't I get up and walk away? In my head, I remember thinking, "oh, he said he'll stop when the movie starts, I'll wait until then".
What within me keeps just going along with what other people want? When do I focus on me? Why is it easier to establish boundaries on my time with woman but not men? Why do I not have any boundaries on my BODY with men?
These are things I will improve upon. Being aware of them is the first step, and I have an amazing counsellor at school with whom I can build strategies with. I also need to tune in more to my gut feelings and trust them, and learn to listen to them. It's so close to all the bad habits I possess. Like the binge eating, my gut will be screaming out "Nooooo!!!" but I just choose to follow through with the eating habit. It's familiar, and a form of comfort. I will instead talk to people when I'm feeling vulnerable, and honour my body.
Pura Vida xoxo
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year!
So I have been reviewing my daily calorie charting, and I haven't been consistent in staying under 1500 cals per day, so that is my first goal.
So in the spirit of this, I am going to incorporate that into my new habit of staying within my daily caloric range, and regular exercise. I have 17 weeks until May 2010, and I know I can do this.
I also got an email from my yoga studio back in Ottawa, and they are starting a 40-day Yoga challenge. The premise is simple, this is the message:
It takes 21 days to change a habit. According to yogic science, it takes:
40 days to change a bad habit into a positive one;
90 days confirms the new habit in you;
120 days allows the new habit to become who you are;
1,000 days ensures you have mastered the habit
I struggle with the all or nothing approach to life, so I'm learning to let go, and to just take things one day at a time. And to love myself no matter what size I am.
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