Ugh, crazy dreams

So I worked at the coffee shop last night for only a 3 hour shift, but it completely wore me out. Mind you, I had a full day. I was up at 6am, and hit the gym for a back workout. I managed to go up a bit on my deadlifts, but good old grip strength gave out before I could finish past 8 reps on my last set. However, I am reminded that this in itself is not a failure, because it means I pushed myself to the max I could do at the time, so that means I did some good work.

My PKIN for weight training started this week, and we do the class in the Toronto Field and Track centre, and can I just say WOW. I just love being in that place. You watch these amazing athletes go around the track, and they are fast let me tell you!! Several different body shapes, but all lean and strong. We haven't actually starting working out yet, but hopefully next week we'll have gotten started. I've just been doing my own thing at the fitness centre on campus.

I miss my old body so much, but I'm seeing some subtle improvements as a result of my consistent eating habits and working out. I think I want to bump up my cardio a bit to work off some extra calories, but I don't want to take it to the point where it is causing me to have increased hunger. So I will play around a bit with lowering the cals vs. upping the activity.

Here is my mental block I'm trying to push through right now: body image. Since gaining the weight so quickly, my confidence has taken a beating, and I find that old feeling of extreme shyness at the gym came back. So I only like to lift in the mornings when there are less people hanging around. Also, the age category at the campus gym is very young, so there are a lot of young guys hanging around the weights, which just makes for annoyance. Sometimes I feel like I'm on display because I'm using the free weights, or because I'm doing old school squats and deadlifts. While I'm sure that is true, it's probably not in a negative way like my brain is telling me.  I know this sounds mean,  but these are young guys, so I'm sure there is a lot of oggling going on.

Another thing is I'm trying to embrace my curves right now. My breasts are completely filling out my bras, and I still have some good shape, so I try to walk like I am owning it, and sometimes that works. I still get a nasty shock when I see my reflection sometimes, and that plays little games in my head. Like sometimes it breaks down my faith in my ability to achieve my weight loss. So I just keep telling that voice to shut it, and I remind myself that it's the consistency that counts.