Updates

So I have been posting on a log on the BBE forums, hosted by the lovely and talented Leigh Peele, but I want to develop my blog as well, so I am going to combine some of my log updates and blog posts.

Here is a bit of a recap from last week:

Friday January 29th

So this morning I woke up full of energy due to last night's cake binge, so I decided to take advantage of it and hit the gym.

I had crazy energy, but I also felt a little like puking...LOL a very strange combo. Did some deadlifts, rows, wide-grip assisted pullups, and db shoulder presses along with my regular mobility/warm up routine. Followed this up with 30 mins of intervals on the stationary bike. I love seeing how quickly I can raise and lower my heart rate. It's a little game I play. "Hi my name is Lynda, and I am a fitness nerd."

I sometimes start to talk myself into a weird conversation when I'm working out when I think about how heavy I was lifting before as compared to now, but then I snap myself out of it again. Facts: I've gained fat, I've lost strength, and right now my number one focus is fat loss, and therefore just consistency of movement and staying in a deficit. I will do pullups again, it will just take time.

So, let's talk deficit.

Had an uneasy stomach today due to yesterday's sugar overload, so at first it was a breeze. It was crazy sunny out, which in Ontario typically means it is also freezing cold. Today was no exception. But I went downtown and indulged in some window shopping and got some Olympic mittens from The Bay.

Then it kinda went downhill....I was surrounded by all these really nice shoes, clothes and...mirrors. I really do not like my reflection right now. I'm ok from the side, but face on all I can focus on is how wide my hips have gotten. Which is not to say they are gross altogether, but I'm still shocked when I see them on my own reflection. Oh and I can feel my thighs when I walk and it's kinda creepy.

However, I can also see some of my collarbone coming back and some shape coming back to my arms which tells me fat loss is happening, so that makes me happy. And my face looks a bit less puffy, which is nice.

So why am I rambling on about this and not my food? Because I'm trying to work through what triggered another episode of over eating today. Which happened when I got home btw.

1. I was freezing and feeling a little blue about not being able to shop.

2. Being around "shiny pretty things" can sometimes trigger me to want to consume just as if I were at a dessert buffet.

Two things I did that I'm proud of:

1. Walked away from the grocery store without purchasing the frozen pizza that was $5 off it's original price making it only $3.47. I don't even buy this pizza normally. In fact, I have never laid eyes on it before. It was a McCain's Hawaiian or something. Didn't even look tasty on the box, and you KNOW it always looks better on the box.

But it was on sale, and so for that reason only I actually picked it up and scanned the nutritional info. Then I STILL didn't put it down until I mentally pictured myself being unable to control my servings with it. Only then did I put it down and walk away to purchase the bananas I came for.

Baby steps.

Grocery shopping for me is sometimes like walking into a minefield. Today was a minefield day.

2. When I came home and started to overeat on PB and rice cakes beyond what I had already portioned and measured out, I stopped and asked myself what the hell was I doing? Literally. Then I realized I was eating out of emotions and not hunger. So...what are they?

- I'm scared to fail at maintaining my deficit.

- I'm scared of running out of money.

- I'm scared I will always be fat (or my version of fat)

- I burned the roof of my mouth 2 days ago and it still hurts when I eat and that made me angry. (sad but true LOL)

3. I actually had the presence of mind to not only type out what is bothering me, but post it on the forum in my new log. Yay me.

4. Oh and I painted my nails with Opi's "You Don't Know Jacques" which is a lovely matte grey colour because I am in love with grey/black stripes and I can't afford to buy the Chanel shade that I really love... LOL

5. Fell in love with a dress at H&M that would have fit me in August but does not fit me now. Am debating purchasing it anyways because I WILL fit into it damnit. Me being thin can and will be real, it is not a pipedream. And it's also in a lovely shade of grey. And it's pretty. And I think I would feel pretty in it. And I think I might go back tomorrow and purchase it. Yes, I have a shopping addiction. I also almost purchased an Irongym pullup bar from a "as seen on tv" shop in the Eaton Centre but I couldn't figure out if it was the same one I was eyeballing online.

Right...back to what I was talking about....

I just have to get used to the fact that I don't have to stay in this body shape forever. I got there twice in my life, and I will get there again. I will keep getting up on this god damn horse until I shed my protective layer for good. Hmph.

Wow I typed a crap load. I can't believe I'm actually going to post this. Scary.

Sunday January 31st

1. Worked my LAST shift at the coffee shop!! Yay!! I thought I had 3 more shifts this week, but then found out last night that they just didn't put me on the new schedule, so I was super excited when I found out.

It was hard because I was around the food and that little voice in my head was screaming at me to go to town with the snacking so I was fighting it alll night. Snacked a little, then stopped a bit, then came home and ate uncontrollably a bit but not a lot of volume...but the behaviour was there. I can't tell you how happy I am it's finally over though, it was not a safe environment for me! No more coming home at 2am

2. I bought the dress!! The pic makes it look a little flat, but I love it It's from H&M, and I can totally picture what shoes I want to get to go with it...

3. I was severely dehydrated the last two nights and as a result woke up feeling incredibly sick. It reminded me of how sick I felt the night after completing my first 1/2 marathon and didn't adequately hydrate. When my eating goes out the window, so does my water intake.

So, now I feel as though I have a bit of a fresh start to things...I have 3 months of school left, I have a goal date of May 1st because that is when I will be back in Ottawa, so I'm using that as my "show date". It's a real date, people are going to be seeing me after not having seen me in months, and I don't want to show up fat. LOL So for now, focus is fat loss, and then over the summer I'll be across the street from my old gym where my old trainer still work, so I can do some muscle building/body shaping then. I feel really good about it

Now I can focus on school and fat loss, and I don't have to worry about the added temptation of being in the coffee shop, or being on my feet for 5 hour shifts while trying to be super enthusiastic and focused on customer service. (we all know how dieting sucks and how hard it is to fake energy when you don't got it!)

Bottom line: now I get to focus on me again 100%

Today's goal: rehydrate, and due to the gross weekend I'm also coming off the sugar again, so I have a massive headache. I know from experience this will go away in a day or so, so I'm just going to take some Tylenol to get over the worst of it today.

Oh and I bought me a TTC pass for Feb, so I can come and go as I please on bus/subway, and we have a reading week coming up, so I foresee some reading time in my future in my fave settings. Surprisingly, I can sit in a coffee shop and read and LOVE it and be totally "on" in terms of retaining info, I just can't work at the shop here on campus. It's a completely different scenerio, strange but true. I also love reading while on the subway, and I generally like to get out and window shop for some me time in between studying. So that is how I work in study breaks with walking. I just hope it warms up a wee bit...

Ahhh....now on to the rest of my Sunday! I'm actually looking forward to cleaning up my apartment and setting up my home for clutter-free study zones.

Monday Feb 1^st:

I'm studying Kinesiology at York University in Toronto. I want to pursue a career as a Strength and Conditioning coach, and work with a team. I love being athletic, and working out with a specific goal to train for, but I'm no where near any kind of elite athlete level, but I still need to be around athletes. I just get so pumped when I'm around people who train hard. It makes me want to jump up and down and MOVE. hehe, i know, sounds kinda strange.

I also have a huge passion for fashion and the arts. Not sure yet how I will marry my two loves career wise, but you can guarantee that I will find a way to have both elements in my life at all times. I'm thinking of taking up french again. If I do it at school, I can take advantage of doing a semester in France....eeeeek!! Just thinking about that makes me giddy.

So I worked my last closing shift on Saturday!! Yeeehawww, man it took a lot out of me this time. I think it was more of a mental thing in that I really did NOT want to work it, because in my head I was already done. Then there was the physical part of it: being on your feet all the time, and moving all the tables/chairs around after closing to mop. Very tiring doing all that at 1am....

Yesterday was still off in terms of sleep recovery, which for me always leads to food binge behaviour and I sometimes start a downwards spiral. So today I just took things slow, went to lecture, got my groceries, and then came home and tidied up the apartment.

A teensy bit of homework avoidance, but in an effort to just "treat" myself without food, I decluttered by updating my scrapbook. I used to keep one as a little girl, where I would cut out photos from magazines of my favourite outfits, hairstyles, makeup applications, etc, and so I started one up again awhile back. This way I don't have to keep piles of magazines and newspapers lying around, and I sometimes flip through it when trying to put together an outfit. Things like colour combinations, skirt lengths/heel height combos...

I also have a separate scrapbook for workouts, fat loss articles, motivational articles, and hard copies of FLTS, BBE recipes, etc. Sometimes I like to just flip through them while enjoying a cup of tea or coffee, especially when I'm having a bit of a food rut and need to have some different recipes.

Today being Feb 1st was awesome because I got to break out the TTC pass to get my grogs. Also, managed to stay within my calorie range today. )

This is my plan for spring:

1. Use the Opt Remix calorie ranges as my nutritional guide.

2. Use my PKIN for weight training 2 x week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) with a 3rd day of either Saturday or Sunday for a 3rd day of lifting at the gym. The focus you have to have while lifting gets me out of my crazy headspace, and I love the feeling afterwards of "Yup, I just worked real hard".*

*Another confession: I have noticed that I swagger a bit on my walk home. I definitely am someone who dresses the part in life. So, after the gym, I'm in my sweats, puffy vest and ballcap, and I walk like a man who just owns the place. It's fun. LOL. I tend to listen to rap/hard rock when I workout too, so that brings out the swagga somethin' fierce. It's awesome (This is completely different from the type of walk I bring when I have my heels on, oh it's fun being a girl!!)

3. Cardio activity 3-4 times a week starting at just 20 mins a session. I will slowly increase this time in 5 min intervals as the weeks progress.

4. Mobility work and dynamic warmups are now part of my regular routine, and I love them! So I do these whenever I'm at the gym, or sometimes in my living room as a study break.

Most importantly, I am focused on consistency in my food, and regular movement. Fat loss is priority right now. Once I'm back in Ottawa in May, I'll be switching to a build phase. Well, that is the goal right now. I will evaluate my progress at that point, but the key for me is to know that I need to constantly remind myself to focus on either fat loss OR muscle building. So, when I start to get antsy about not lifting too much right now, I can relax by telling myself, "it's ok, just wait until you're back in Ottawa for that, right now, fat loss is key."

Letting Things Go...

I borrowed today's blog title from another fave blog of mine called smoothiegirleatstoo/ because I have a tendency to let little things get to me to the point where my stress level hits a max point and then I explode into a binge-eating monster.

So...what do I need to let go of today? Friday Legs Day at the gym. This requires a bit of a backstory, but the short version is for 2 years I trained at the gym with a trainer, and we did body part splits, and somehow our routine ended up with doing legs on Fridays. I LOVE LEG DAY, and combined with it being a friday, I used to love Friday mornings for this reason.

So today, I have a lecture at 9:30, and was planning on getting up early around 6 am to get breakfast, and then hit the gym for my own modified version of legs day before class. Only what I didn't anticipate was the 2:30 am wakeup from my body saying "Um, I know you're in a calorie deficit right now, but I would really like some food". Sigh. It takes me a week or so to get used to lower calories, so I have to expect that from time to time. I know that being tired also sets me up for stress eating, so I tried not to get too worked up about it, but I had a devil of a time deciding what to do when my alarm went off this morning.

I'm in a deficit right now to gradually lose the 15 lbs I gained in the Fall. (Can you say Freshman 15??~ Gross - it was due to a major relapse of my ED) I know the big picture is to focus on being consistent over the long term. I know that missing one workout will not be the end of my deficit, if anything, it will allow my body to recover. I also know that I was pretty active this week thanks in part to my PKINS where we did plyometric work on Tuesday and Thursday. My brain knows all this, but the insidious part of me that suffers from perfectionism also screams at me "But it's Friday!!! You have only 1 lecture and a ton of time to take advantage of a great gym workout!!"

So I'm fighting with myself over something ridiculous. I opted to skip the gym this morning, and tried to fall back asleep. Didn't happen. So in an effort to be kind to myself, I got up, showered, ate breakfast and told myself I could spend the time reading some chapters for my classes. Not happening. I really really miss my morning workout, and I know sometimes for me to miss a workout means my stress level will get higher because I use the exercise as a form of release. So maybe I could go later today...which means facing a busier gym, and for someone who is self conscious at a higher weight, this is tough. UGH.

I keep focussing on "be kind to myself" today. But I feel out of sorts.

Oh and it doesn't help that a particularly moody guy at work last night totally ripped into me for no good reason, and left me on the verge of tears during the last hour of my shift.  I said something to him, and he must have realized how much of an ass he was, because then he cranked on the charm and cutesy stuff to the max, and kept trying to tell me to cheer up. Don't you just love when people try to deflect their bad attitudes onto you and then accuse YOU of being grumpy?

Hurray for Monday!

I had a solid sleep last night and woke up very tired, and a bit stiff, but overall in a good frame of mind.

Yesterday was a busy day! I work on Saturday nights till 1:30 am, so Sundays are weird. I try to manage as best as I can without getting too stressed out about the change in routine. This is how it went yesterday:

I woke up naturally around 6am, ate my normal breakfast, then went back to bed for another 2 hours and when I woke up again I felt more like myself. Then it was a quick snack of an apple and I was off to the gym! I did some mobility work and dynamic stretches before hitting the weights which consisted of squats, leg press, rows, db shoulder press and some back hyper extensions. I'm not doing anything too regimented right now because I start my PKIN on weight training this term, and we will be working out on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have no idea what to expect out of those workouts, so I'm just trying to focus on a few key points for my own workouts, and they are:

1. Keep the weights challenging, which means, go heavy.
2. Make sure I do somewhat of an all body routine, since I'm only hitting the weights at a frequency of 2-3 times per week.
3. Getting in some cardio activity, which ranges from intervals on the bike, walks around campus, or runs at the indoor track. I LOVE the indoor track!! It felt so great to run there on Friday, I felt like my feet had wings! It was my first time on a real track, and since I live in Ontario, the snow and cold makes for some not so motivating weather for running. I used to run in all kinds of weather, but now I tend to avoid the cold, so this is perfect for me.

Then I had to work a 5 hour shift at the coffee shop with no break, so that had me on my feet the whole time, and that is just so tiring. I crashed hard when I got home last night, and my feet were so tired.

But all that is just a distant memory right now, because today I got my period!! This is so important to me right now, because it marks the second time in 2 months that I've gotten my period after a year's absence.  Before that, I was on the pill for years on end, so I never really knew what "normal" meant in terms of my body and my cycle. Plus it's been a crazy stressful year, both mentally and physically (more on that another day), so I didn't know whether I had done major damage. I have a serious grin stuck to my face today!!

Ugh, crazy dreams

So I worked at the coffee shop last night for only a 3 hour shift, but it completely wore me out. Mind you, I had a full day. I was up at 6am, and hit the gym for a back workout. I managed to go up a bit on my deadlifts, but good old grip strength gave out before I could finish past 8 reps on my last set. However, I am reminded that this in itself is not a failure, because it means I pushed myself to the max I could do at the time, so that means I did some good work.

My PKIN for weight training started this week, and we do the class in the Toronto Field and Track centre, and can I just say WOW. I just love being in that place. You watch these amazing athletes go around the track, and they are fast let me tell you!! Several different body shapes, but all lean and strong. We haven't actually starting working out yet, but hopefully next week we'll have gotten started. I've just been doing my own thing at the fitness centre on campus.

I miss my old body so much, but I'm seeing some subtle improvements as a result of my consistent eating habits and working out. I think I want to bump up my cardio a bit to work off some extra calories, but I don't want to take it to the point where it is causing me to have increased hunger. So I will play around a bit with lowering the cals vs. upping the activity.

Here is my mental block I'm trying to push through right now: body image. Since gaining the weight so quickly, my confidence has taken a beating, and I find that old feeling of extreme shyness at the gym came back. So I only like to lift in the mornings when there are less people hanging around. Also, the age category at the campus gym is very young, so there are a lot of young guys hanging around the weights, which just makes for annoyance. Sometimes I feel like I'm on display because I'm using the free weights, or because I'm doing old school squats and deadlifts. While I'm sure that is true, it's probably not in a negative way like my brain is telling me.  I know this sounds mean,  but these are young guys, so I'm sure there is a lot of oggling going on.

Another thing is I'm trying to embrace my curves right now. My breasts are completely filling out my bras, and I still have some good shape, so I try to walk like I am owning it, and sometimes that works. I still get a nasty shock when I see my reflection sometimes, and that plays little games in my head. Like sometimes it breaks down my faith in my ability to achieve my weight loss. So I just keep telling that voice to shut it, and I remind myself that it's the consistency that counts.

Sunny Saturday

Just finished my yummy breakfast of a Green Monster (spinach/almond milk/wheat germ) and egg/oats/cranberry pancake! I love starting the day after a solid night's sleep with a breakfast I love. Breakfast is easily my favourite meal of the day.

I've been re-reading a lot of the Oh She Glows posts in regards to how she overcame her binge eating and gradually took off the weight. It's inspiring.

I don't know if I will ever lose my addictive behaviour around food, but I know I can learn some new healthy mind habits that will keep me towards a healthier outlook.

I've also been listening to Tony Robbin's Awaken the Giant Within on my ipod when I go for walks, and he talks about having a Magnificent Obession. Then I realized, that is what worked for me so well last year when I was sad and stressed out, and just plain miserable from my job.  So I feel as though the New Year is a good time for me to focus again on what my MO is for me.

I have a few things in my favour, the number one being that using January as a time to refocus and get healthy is already a familiar habit with me. The 2 times in the past I have been successful at changing my body and eating for the better have both started in Januaries.  When something is familiar, it's a habit, and that is one good habit I have already that I can draw strength from.

I still am struggling with some old patterns of people pleasing. A good friend of mine got pissed at me for not making time for her over the holidays, but I just couldn't make it happen. I have to focus on what works for me.

That being said, I also let a guy walk over me a bit, which now, looking back, I can see where my gut was telling me one thing, but my head told me to stick it out until it was over. I met up with an ex boyfriend for a movie.  While we were watching the previews, he kept pawing and pawing at me in a way that was annoying and distracting. I LOVE going to the movies, and I love seeing previews - the whole experience. So we're sitting there, and he wouldn't stop. I kept pushing his hand away, and he kept pushing it back until finally he said something like, "Don't worry, I'll stop when the movie starts" and what did I do? Sat there and took it, like WTF???? Like, why didn't I get up and walk away? In my head, I remember thinking, "oh, he said he'll stop when the movie starts, I'll wait until then".

What within me keeps just going along with what other people want? When do I focus on me? Why is it easier to establish boundaries on my time with woman but not men? Why do I not have any boundaries on my BODY with men?

These are things I will improve upon. Being aware of them is the first step, and I have an amazing counsellor at school with whom I can build strategies with. I also need to tune in more to my gut feelings and trust them, and learn to listen to them. It's so close to all the bad habits I possess. Like the binge eating, my gut will be screaming out "Nooooo!!!" but I just choose to follow through with the eating habit. It's familiar, and a form of comfort. I will instead talk to people when I'm feeling vulnerable, and honour my body.

Pura Vida xoxo

Happy New Year!

So I have been reviewing my daily calorie charting, and I haven't been consistent in staying under 1500 cals per day, so that is my first goal.

I also got an email from my yoga studio back in Ottawa, and they are starting a 40-day Yoga challenge. The premise is simple, this is the message:

It takes 21 days to change a habit. According to yogic science, it takes:

40 days to change a bad habit into a positive one;

90 days confirms the new habit in you;

120 days allows the new habit to become who you are;

1,000 days ensures you have mastered the habit

So in the spirit of this, I am going to incorporate that into my new habit of staying within my daily caloric range, and regular exercise. I have 17 weeks until May 2010, and I know I can do this.

I struggle with the all or nothing approach to life, so I'm learning to let go, and to just take things one day at a time. And to love myself no matter what size I am.

New Challenges for 2010 - Operation May 2010

So I am resurrecting this blog to get me back into my skinny clothes that I brought with me when I moved to Toronto. Consider this Operation Ottawa May 2010!

I also want to use this as a platform to post my goals. There have been several sites and resources who recommend making goal statements that start with "I Will" in addition to making both short and long-term goals. Lululemon taught me this, and it is in that spirit that I am composing my 2010 Lynda List.

1. I will get back to 125lbs for May 2010.

2. I will navigate the Winter school term with a focus on my personal well being, and not getting overwhelmed and stressed.

3. I will graduate from York University with a degree in Kinesiology.

4. I will travel to Europe and live/work there for a period of time no less than 3 months.

5. I will get a roomie in Fall 2010 and live in downtown Toronto, and commute to school with my monthly TTC pass.

How will I accomplish my goals?

1. I will weigh myself every Monday morning, and document my progress on a spreadsheet so that I can chart over the long term.

2. I will record my daily calories on my Calorie King software.

3. I will continue to go to weekly OA meetings for support to overcome emotional eating.

4. I will continue to go to therapy to learn how to deal with life, relationships, and most important, on how to overcome a lifetime of self limiting beliefs.

5. I will take advantage of my Strength training PKIN for consistent training, and supplement with cardio workouts.

6. I will embrace my body with the love and support it/I need. LOVE