Sleepless

Today was a really good day. I feel like I'm in a really good zone lately - I'm loving my new work-free routine, and I have been able to enjoy being a student. however - at this very moment, I am tired, my right hip flexor area is sore from my workout today, and all I want to do is curl up in bed, which is actually where I was just a moment ago, but my mind is kinda racing. Not racing in a bad way...but like...racing in a daydreaming kinda way. Does anyone else ever experience this? Tuesdays are awesome for me because they start with my pkin, and then I have one of my Humanities courses. I'm taking two. The one on Tuesday is my lecture and tutorial, one following the other, for Islamic Traditions. I have a thing for religions, and have learned so much about Islam this year already, it's been great. One of the great reasons for this has also been because I'm fortunate enough to have my tutorial lead by my Professor, whom I admire and look up to. She's a woman, a Professor, a Muslim, and one of those teachers who is so gifted at what she does. When she speaks, you cannot help but be drawn in by her. She's also a gifted storyteller, and really pushes us to work hard at this course, and doesn't take any crap from nobody! LOL At the beginning of the term, when I was getting to know her, I remember swelling with pride when she remembered my name in class. I felt....noticed. And like my opinion mattered to someone. I also remember moments of feeling like, I wish this woman were my mom. And then I felt waves of guilt. I love my mom. But she was neglected emotionally in much the same way I was. That is why I grew up the way I did. I no longer have resentment or anger towards her for that like I used to. But the knowledge of it still lingers around... I'm going to be all over the place on this posting, so be warned. ;) I love that I'm meeting so may people here. Sometimes I think that's part of the reason why I get so overwhelmed by it all. In the past year I have made so many changes to my life, and done so many new things, sometimes it's all too much to take in. I never knew how people could manage to do something they love for a living and make it work. I never knew how to make life manageable outside of my boxed in world of my old corporate job. And it was a job I hated, I mean, I know some people there where doing things they loved, but for me it was like a prison. But every day I have the chance to meet and talk to new people, make new friends - people from all different upbringings, and since we are all here to learn, we're all in a similar place which makes it easier to break down barriers of difference. I realize I sound very high right now! I guess this is the side of me that lends itself to getting stuck in some ways. Whether it's an unhealthy obsession, like being scared of certain foods, or whether it's manifesting itself in my binge eating...it's always there.


Right now I feel as though I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. I no longer feel scared that it all might go away, I feel very much in the moment, and I can honestly say I have never felt like this for such an extended length of time in my life. It's odd. But refreshing. And exciting.

Middle of the Week

Well, it's Wednesday, so we're about 1 week ago tomorrow where I caved in at the idea of a coworker buying me cake which lead to a food-craved weekend. It's so crazy when I think about the reality of how that derailed me. I was rather contemplative about that incident while in the shower this morning, but then I also noticed how calm I felt as I prepared my breakfast. Usually I'm rushing through it as though I'm short on time, when that is rarely the case. Then I started to think of how often I rush through things to get things done on time, but I'm always early to everything, so I have no reason to rush. Then I made the connection to maybe I was using the excuse to rush as an excuse for speeding through things....or maybe this is just too deep for so early in the morning. ;)
So now on to the accountability portion of today's update: I am still debating on whether or not to post calories and workouts on here, but if I do, I want those to be separate from the text part of my updates, either along the side or something. I will have to figure that part out.
Pkin yesterday was rather dismal in terms of activity, but I went out to the mall last night which helped me with my restless feeling and managed to get some activity in from the walking, as well as some reading done while on the short subway/bus ride there and back. Pretty cool considering had I stayed home, I would have likely just wasted time on the internet and not done any reading. I'm pretty happy with my choice actually. I went to Indigo and flipped through a few books: mainly Monica Seles' book and some vegan cookbooks. I read a review of her book from another blogger It's My Life and the part where Monica struggles with binge eating really spoke to me. The comments she made about slowing down while eating, and reminding herself that this is not the last time in the world she was going to eat pizza...that just made alarms ring out in my head!! So that has been at the back of my mind for a few days now, and helped me calm down. Also, I am missing not having my trainer. I had one for 2 years, and I still miss the consistency of having someone to meet up with, and push me through those last few reps, or get me doing more upper body work when I don't feel like balancing it out and want to stick to legs...that was my rant for this morning. I miss it, and that's all. I have a busy day ahead of me, but tonight should be fun. Angela Davis is speaking at the University tonight, she has an incredible history. Formerly a Black Panther, vocal civil rights activist, and former Communist party member, she is a retired professor with the History of Consciousness Department at the University of California, Santa Cruz. (borrowed some of that from Wikipedia). But should be interesting, I'm going to meet up with a girl I met from my Islamic Traditions class and check it out. :)

Updates

So I have been posting on a log on the BBE forums, hosted by the lovely and talented Leigh Peele, but I want to develop my blog as well, so I am going to combine some of my log updates and blog posts.

Here is a bit of a recap from last week:

Friday January 29th

So this morning I woke up full of energy due to last night's cake binge, so I decided to take advantage of it and hit the gym.

I had crazy energy, but I also felt a little like puking...LOL a very strange combo. Did some deadlifts, rows, wide-grip assisted pullups, and db shoulder presses along with my regular mobility/warm up routine. Followed this up with 30 mins of intervals on the stationary bike. I love seeing how quickly I can raise and lower my heart rate. It's a little game I play. "Hi my name is Lynda, and I am a fitness nerd."

I sometimes start to talk myself into a weird conversation when I'm working out when I think about how heavy I was lifting before as compared to now, but then I snap myself out of it again. Facts: I've gained fat, I've lost strength, and right now my number one focus is fat loss, and therefore just consistency of movement and staying in a deficit. I will do pullups again, it will just take time.

So, let's talk deficit.

Had an uneasy stomach today due to yesterday's sugar overload, so at first it was a breeze. It was crazy sunny out, which in Ontario typically means it is also freezing cold. Today was no exception. But I went downtown and indulged in some window shopping and got some Olympic mittens from The Bay.

Then it kinda went downhill....I was surrounded by all these really nice shoes, clothes and...mirrors. I really do not like my reflection right now. I'm ok from the side, but face on all I can focus on is how wide my hips have gotten. Which is not to say they are gross altogether, but I'm still shocked when I see them on my own reflection. Oh and I can feel my thighs when I walk and it's kinda creepy.

However, I can also see some of my collarbone coming back and some shape coming back to my arms which tells me fat loss is happening, so that makes me happy. And my face looks a bit less puffy, which is nice.

So why am I rambling on about this and not my food? Because I'm trying to work through what triggered another episode of over eating today. Which happened when I got home btw.

1. I was freezing and feeling a little blue about not being able to shop.

2. Being around "shiny pretty things" can sometimes trigger me to want to consume just as if I were at a dessert buffet.

Two things I did that I'm proud of:

1. Walked away from the grocery store without purchasing the frozen pizza that was $5 off it's original price making it only $3.47. I don't even buy this pizza normally. In fact, I have never laid eyes on it before. It was a McCain's Hawaiian or something. Didn't even look tasty on the box, and you KNOW it always looks better on the box.

But it was on sale, and so for that reason only I actually picked it up and scanned the nutritional info. Then I STILL didn't put it down until I mentally pictured myself being unable to control my servings with it. Only then did I put it down and walk away to purchase the bananas I came for.

Baby steps.

Grocery shopping for me is sometimes like walking into a minefield. Today was a minefield day.

2. When I came home and started to overeat on PB and rice cakes beyond what I had already portioned and measured out, I stopped and asked myself what the hell was I doing? Literally. Then I realized I was eating out of emotions and not hunger. So...what are they?

- I'm scared to fail at maintaining my deficit.

- I'm scared of running out of money.

- I'm scared I will always be fat (or my version of fat)

- I burned the roof of my mouth 2 days ago and it still hurts when I eat and that made me angry. (sad but true LOL)

3. I actually had the presence of mind to not only type out what is bothering me, but post it on the forum in my new log. Yay me.

4. Oh and I painted my nails with Opi's "You Don't Know Jacques" which is a lovely matte grey colour because I am in love with grey/black stripes and I can't afford to buy the Chanel shade that I really love... LOL

5. Fell in love with a dress at H&M that would have fit me in August but does not fit me now. Am debating purchasing it anyways because I WILL fit into it damnit. Me being thin can and will be real, it is not a pipedream. And it's also in a lovely shade of grey. And it's pretty. And I think I would feel pretty in it. And I think I might go back tomorrow and purchase it. Yes, I have a shopping addiction. I also almost purchased an Irongym pullup bar from a "as seen on tv" shop in the Eaton Centre but I couldn't figure out if it was the same one I was eyeballing online.

Right...back to what I was talking about....

I just have to get used to the fact that I don't have to stay in this body shape forever. I got there twice in my life, and I will get there again. I will keep getting up on this god damn horse until I shed my protective layer for good. Hmph.

Wow I typed a crap load. I can't believe I'm actually going to post this. Scary.

Sunday January 31st

1. Worked my LAST shift at the coffee shop!! Yay!! I thought I had 3 more shifts this week, but then found out last night that they just didn't put me on the new schedule, so I was super excited when I found out.

It was hard because I was around the food and that little voice in my head was screaming at me to go to town with the snacking so I was fighting it alll night. Snacked a little, then stopped a bit, then came home and ate uncontrollably a bit but not a lot of volume...but the behaviour was there. I can't tell you how happy I am it's finally over though, it was not a safe environment for me! No more coming home at 2am

2. I bought the dress!! The pic makes it look a little flat, but I love it It's from H&M, and I can totally picture what shoes I want to get to go with it...

3. I was severely dehydrated the last two nights and as a result woke up feeling incredibly sick. It reminded me of how sick I felt the night after completing my first 1/2 marathon and didn't adequately hydrate. When my eating goes out the window, so does my water intake.

So, now I feel as though I have a bit of a fresh start to things...I have 3 months of school left, I have a goal date of May 1st because that is when I will be back in Ottawa, so I'm using that as my "show date". It's a real date, people are going to be seeing me after not having seen me in months, and I don't want to show up fat. LOL So for now, focus is fat loss, and then over the summer I'll be across the street from my old gym where my old trainer still work, so I can do some muscle building/body shaping then. I feel really good about it

Now I can focus on school and fat loss, and I don't have to worry about the added temptation of being in the coffee shop, or being on my feet for 5 hour shifts while trying to be super enthusiastic and focused on customer service. (we all know how dieting sucks and how hard it is to fake energy when you don't got it!)

Bottom line: now I get to focus on me again 100%

Today's goal: rehydrate, and due to the gross weekend I'm also coming off the sugar again, so I have a massive headache. I know from experience this will go away in a day or so, so I'm just going to take some Tylenol to get over the worst of it today.

Oh and I bought me a TTC pass for Feb, so I can come and go as I please on bus/subway, and we have a reading week coming up, so I foresee some reading time in my future in my fave settings. Surprisingly, I can sit in a coffee shop and read and LOVE it and be totally "on" in terms of retaining info, I just can't work at the shop here on campus. It's a completely different scenerio, strange but true. I also love reading while on the subway, and I generally like to get out and window shop for some me time in between studying. So that is how I work in study breaks with walking. I just hope it warms up a wee bit...

Ahhh....now on to the rest of my Sunday! I'm actually looking forward to cleaning up my apartment and setting up my home for clutter-free study zones.

Monday Feb 1^st:

I'm studying Kinesiology at York University in Toronto. I want to pursue a career as a Strength and Conditioning coach, and work with a team. I love being athletic, and working out with a specific goal to train for, but I'm no where near any kind of elite athlete level, but I still need to be around athletes. I just get so pumped when I'm around people who train hard. It makes me want to jump up and down and MOVE. hehe, i know, sounds kinda strange.

I also have a huge passion for fashion and the arts. Not sure yet how I will marry my two loves career wise, but you can guarantee that I will find a way to have both elements in my life at all times. I'm thinking of taking up french again. If I do it at school, I can take advantage of doing a semester in France....eeeeek!! Just thinking about that makes me giddy.

So I worked my last closing shift on Saturday!! Yeeehawww, man it took a lot out of me this time. I think it was more of a mental thing in that I really did NOT want to work it, because in my head I was already done. Then there was the physical part of it: being on your feet all the time, and moving all the tables/chairs around after closing to mop. Very tiring doing all that at 1am....

Yesterday was still off in terms of sleep recovery, which for me always leads to food binge behaviour and I sometimes start a downwards spiral. So today I just took things slow, went to lecture, got my groceries, and then came home and tidied up the apartment.

A teensy bit of homework avoidance, but in an effort to just "treat" myself without food, I decluttered by updating my scrapbook. I used to keep one as a little girl, where I would cut out photos from magazines of my favourite outfits, hairstyles, makeup applications, etc, and so I started one up again awhile back. This way I don't have to keep piles of magazines and newspapers lying around, and I sometimes flip through it when trying to put together an outfit. Things like colour combinations, skirt lengths/heel height combos...

I also have a separate scrapbook for workouts, fat loss articles, motivational articles, and hard copies of FLTS, BBE recipes, etc. Sometimes I like to just flip through them while enjoying a cup of tea or coffee, especially when I'm having a bit of a food rut and need to have some different recipes.

Today being Feb 1st was awesome because I got to break out the TTC pass to get my grogs. Also, managed to stay within my calorie range today. )

This is my plan for spring:

1. Use the Opt Remix calorie ranges as my nutritional guide.

2. Use my PKIN for weight training 2 x week (Tuesdays and Thursdays) with a 3rd day of either Saturday or Sunday for a 3rd day of lifting at the gym. The focus you have to have while lifting gets me out of my crazy headspace, and I love the feeling afterwards of "Yup, I just worked real hard".*

*Another confession: I have noticed that I swagger a bit on my walk home. I definitely am someone who dresses the part in life. So, after the gym, I'm in my sweats, puffy vest and ballcap, and I walk like a man who just owns the place. It's fun. LOL. I tend to listen to rap/hard rock when I workout too, so that brings out the swagga somethin' fierce. It's awesome (This is completely different from the type of walk I bring when I have my heels on, oh it's fun being a girl!!)

3. Cardio activity 3-4 times a week starting at just 20 mins a session. I will slowly increase this time in 5 min intervals as the weeks progress.

4. Mobility work and dynamic warmups are now part of my regular routine, and I love them! So I do these whenever I'm at the gym, or sometimes in my living room as a study break.

Most importantly, I am focused on consistency in my food, and regular movement. Fat loss is priority right now. Once I'm back in Ottawa in May, I'll be switching to a build phase. Well, that is the goal right now. I will evaluate my progress at that point, but the key for me is to know that I need to constantly remind myself to focus on either fat loss OR muscle building. So, when I start to get antsy about not lifting too much right now, I can relax by telling myself, "it's ok, just wait until you're back in Ottawa for that, right now, fat loss is key."