1. I will get back to 125lbs for May 2010.
CHECK!
I got to 130, but more importantly, I fit into all my clothes again. Right now I'm on a 1-week break from being in a deficit, and am eating in a maintenance range of calories. Then I will start another cutting phase to take me to the end of the summer, or at least the next 12 weeks. At that time, I will do another dieting break.
2. I will navigate the Winter school term with a focus on my personal well being, and not getting overwhelmed and stressed.
CHECK!
I scored A's and A+'s on my last 3 essay assignments in various classes, and my final essay on my Kine1000 exam was an A+. I figured out how to write, and how to study. It actually blew my mind, re-igniting my passion for writing.
3. I will graduate from York University with a degree in Kinesiology.
For obvious reasons, this hasn't been completed yet. ;) But I now have a solid plan which I worked out with a wonderful Academic Advisor before I left campus. So to further clarify this goal: Undergrad in Kine, Master in Psychology, and PhD.
4. I will travel to Europe and live/work there for a period of time no less than 3 months.
For the same reason as above, this is a long-term goal, and so it hasn't yet happened. But I think of it constantly, and it acts as a kind of anchor for when I'm feeling tired, or rundown.
5. I will get a roomie in Fall 2010 and live in downtown Toronto, and commute to school with my monthly TTC pass.
CHECK!
I met Trinh in line at the Second Cup while chatting with Priscilla about places to rent, and now all 3 of us are signed off on a 2-year lease for a 3-bedroom townhouse in the Village next to campus. I am super excited about it!
So with that out of the way, I want to talk about why I'm so tired this morning.
Yesterday was the first day of my refeed, and I was really anxious leading up to it. I've known for a while that I needed to do one, but I delayed it because I wasn't quite where I wanted to be for my move back to Ottawa. I knew that going back to the office was making me really nervous, because I didn't want to arrive fat. That's another topic for another day of course, but the point is, I was due for a break.
So I posted my worries on the BBE forums, and got some amazing replies back. Everyone who responded was not only supportive, but helped me to come up with a strategy, and reminded me that maintenance is just that - maintaining my weight, not gaining.
So I planned out my meals for the day, but still felt really anxious about eating more. But I kept just thinking back to making sure I didn't binge, and reminding myself to practice patience. I don't have to eat everything in one day! I even ended up at The Green Door for lunch, and served myself a plate of food made from a mindspace of calm, and honest intention.
I enjoy the spelt bread so much there, I allowed myself a slice of the onion/herb kind, with a pat of real butter. Then the second item I love there are the spinach/feta phyllo dough thingys, so I had one of those. And the third and final food item I go there for is the carob/chocolate cake. I served myself a small slice, and filled out the rest of my plate with wonderful green veggies, mushrooms, onions, peppers, and 3 olives.
I had fiddleheads, asparagus, green beans, peas in the pod, and a spicy kale salad. All were fresh, organically and locally grown, and cooked to perfection so as to be super bright green! I sat down at the table, and practiced being mindful about each and every bite. I put my fork down in between mouthfuls, and concentrated on actually chewing and tasting my food. I ate the greens first, and then slowly picked up the slice of bread. I broke the rather larger chunk into about 4 smaller chunks, and ate it slowly. I paid really close attention to when I started to feel my belly fill. I kept telling myself I was allowed to leave food behind on the plate if I was full, and that doing so was ok. I noticed two young women sit down next to me started to talk to one another in french, and it reminded me of what I've read regarding how the French really enjoy the full dining experience, and don't shovel in their food.
After my meal was done, I sat and waited for about 15 minutes before I started on my dessert. I took small bites, and wow, it was delicious! Each slice was topped with a solitary almond, and I even recall thinking that I would allow myself the slice, but leave the almond behind when I caught myself, and realized just how obsessive that thinking truly sounded. I ate the almond in the next bite! ;)
On the bus ride home, I started to have rushing thoughts of "Oh my god, I need to make sure I don't freak out, I need to remember to take deep breaths" and then all of a sudden I told myself "Stop. You are the one controlling your thoughts right now. Just stop. Be calm." And then I was. It was a quick and purposeful shift. And the calmness lasted long enough to enable me to mentally calculate the calories from that meal, and figure out how much dinner I could have while still staying within the range of maintenance calories.
Did I struggle with wanting to just say screw it, and have a big dinner anyways because I'd "already blown it" with the bread and cake? Absolutely. But I didn't. Instead, at dinner time, I had my planned meal of zucchini and home-made tomato sauce, and the last of my laughing cow wedges with some olives. Then I went to Starbucks to enjoy a decaf, double long espresso and journal my thoughts onto paper before heading to the movie theatre. I wasn't sure about parking, so I was a full 30 mins earlier, so I nipped into O'Connors and sat at the bar with a glass of wine while waiting for Rebeca. And that is why I didn't sleep so well. LOL
Something about wine doesn't agree with me. I had the glass around 7ish, and stretched it out a full 45 minutes, and nursed a glass of water at the same time. When I got home and actually crawled into bed just before midnight, right away I noticed my stomach was upset, and gassy, and I felt really uncomfortable. Through the night, I woke up a few times, and had to get up around 3:30 am for some water because I had the worst dry mouth. But my pee was clear as water, so I know I was hydrated enough, so it was the alcohol giving me the dry mouth. At 4am, I couldn't sleep anymore, and so I got up. I still have a mild headache, and it's about 6:30 am as I right this. I've had my regular breakfast and decaf coffee, and some water. But I feel really tired, and that I could almost go back to bed in a bit. I just might do that. But first I journaled on paper about my decision to treat wine as a celebratory treat instead of something I'm depriving myself of, and I've decided to give those 2 bottles of wine Andrew purchased for me back to him. I just don't enjoy it THAT much. I would prefer to fit in a few bites of dark chocolate at the end of my day, and leave the wine for someone else. Knowing this about myself is really cool, because it's a decision purely made by me, and not by what anyone else thinks I "should" be able to eat or not eat. :) It feels great!!
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