So far...not bad!
Had a trip-up at the start though, which I think is to be expected.
Here's a recap I composed yesterday morning, followed by last night's observations.
So, here is Wednesday, mid-week for my journey.
What a ride! I started on Saturday, and it was a very nervous day, and in retrospect, I can see how I got all worked up about it, which caused a bit of a chain reaction in me in terms of my starve/binge cycling history with food.
I jumped in full throttle (of course) instead of taking it slow, and that included a glass of wine on Saturday night while I was waiting for my friend to go to a movie. I allotted for the cals, so that part was fine, but it was more the mental exercise of doing it.
I arrived at the movie theatre and parked the car much earlier than I thought, so I figured I would try and be "normal" and waited at the bar across from the theatre and enjoyed a glass of wine while catching up on the newspaper and watching the start of the game. (CBC Hockey Night in Canada). It was great actually, I paced myself, had a glass of water, and felt relaxed and like I was participating in something social and normal for the first time in months. *Quick background: I have a tendency towards isolating myself and avoiding social situations due to my issues with food, so this was a pretty big moment for me.
Well, alcohol and I don't mix all too well, and I'm sure it was also hugely related to my general anxiety around not only the upcoming refeed (I'm a lifelong dieter) and some personal issues I'm dealing with in regards to my mother. So I didn't sleep well at all on Saturday, and so I woke up super early on Sunday feeling tired. I spent the morning quietly doing my fave Sunday things, and then spent some time with my mom at a Farmer's Market/Art show thing at the Parkdale Market in Hintonburg here in Ottawa. It was nice, but by the time I got home around 2pm I was spent emotionally and physically. And I binged. And then I felt like a huge failure since I hadn't binged like that in months, but I recognized right away the events leading up to it, and managed to get past it really well actually.
So Monday was a lower calorie day, partly to compensate and partly because I really had no appetite and was still digesting much of the food from the day before. Went to bed super early Monday night, and had my first calm day of the refeed yesterday.
Observations: holy crap, I feel like I'm eating SO MUCH Food!! LOL. But I'm not really, everything is still being measured out and uber controlled by moi (yeah yeah I know, working on it haha) so I know that I'm not overeating, but I am feeling alternating moments of fullness and satiety and then moments of headaches and like I'm really really hungry as if I were still in a deficit. I know this is my body working out its own homeostasis, so I'm practicing patience, and trusting in the process.
But it's really hard at time not to go back to just doing another deficit week. Just yesterday morning, during my morning walk and reflective time, I had to remind myself yet again of my goals that I declared on Saturday. And I really fought it - but I just calmly told myself that this is one week, and re-read all the wonderful advice and facts & figures from my amazing BBE Forum peeps, including the brilliant and talented Miss Leigh and Mr. Fass, and I decided to stay the course.
So, essentially, I guess yesterday was really the first day of not feeling the anxiety around the food, and that was cool. I'm noticing that some of my other habits have returned, like the fidgeting and not being able to sit still for long. If anyone has listened to Leigh talk about those personality traits in people with high levels of NEAT, I can definitely relate.
Does anyone else out there meditate? You know how it's about learning to observe your thoughts as opposed to controlling them? I've been observing my actions/energy levels/body signals the past few months like never before, and I can really see changes when I'm dieting versus when I'm eating more. It's interesting and, because I'm a total nerd, utterly fascinating!!! I feel like I'm my own science experiment in a way.
C'est fun! (holla all you fellow anglophone/francophone Ontario Franglish speakers, you know you're out there!!)And Wednesday Night:
This morning's workout was great!
I woke up early, feeling rested and full of good energy to start the day. Since I was up early, I had some extra time on my hands which made for a proper fuel and digestion before my workout which was noticeable. Could I be enjoying this eating at maintenance thing? Hmm....me thinks I am!
Today's workout was a quick dynamic warmup ('natch) and some shoulder overhead presses before a run. I am running about once a week right now, and Wednesdays seem to be my day of choice, so I run with it. Get it? Hehe
For any of you who listened to Todd Durkin's talk about on episode 177 of the Fitcast, he speaks about the importance of having your morning meditation time. Now, I've always had a sort of meditation-type relationship with running, but I often took my running, and other workouts, to extremes. But mainly right now the focus is trying to figure out how to achieve a kind of balance. First and foremost with food, and that is also why I've got such an emotional investment in doing a “maintenance/refeed" week. Whether you relate to the yin/yang kind of balance that is achieved through sport/rest, food intake/energy output, work/life, or the more philosophical way of pondering the bigger meanings to things in life, it's all kind of different degrees of the same unit. Different units of measurement if you will.
And there I go on another tangent....Anyways, so all that to say running for me is my zen time. And today, being properly fueled made for a wonderful run. I kept it short, 25 mins, and I even managed to fight off the urge to go faster, or do speed intervals. So just did my thang, nice and steady, purely to enjoy the 25 mins of “me” time to let my mind wander and enjoy the music on my ipod, and it was AMAZING!! I had so many fresh insights and little moments of joy, creative ideas, new ways of handling some problem people in my life, all in all I was able to make a plan for my day. Also, knowing that I was purposely doing a maintenance week, I was able to give myself permission to not have to do a speed workout, or crazy hills, or whatever. It was really nice.
I realized something else today that I didn't even notice this morning – I didn't even check the treadmill to see how far I ran during that 25 mins. I have never done that!!! I usually check my distance, and then sometimes will run a bit longer, or faster near the end so as to meet whatever goal I think I need to do before I'm allowed to stop. Fine for when you need to really push through a workout to make improvement, but not necessary or even healthy to do that EVERY SINGLE WORKOUT! Haha, so it really made me so happy to notice that, it's cool.
Also, I just really enjoyed my run. Period. I was totally in a happy place near the end (I can tell because that's when I start my goofy smile while running), and then my water bottle flew off the treadmill. I didn't lose a beat, and just figured I would get it when I was done. I did a quick shoulder check and saw that it had rolled next to the wall, so I was cool knowing it wasn't in anyone's way. Then some guy came up and put it back on the treadmill for me! So I took off my earphones to thank him, and then when I got back to thoughts, I kind of thought to myself how cool it is when you just let go, and lo and behold people voluntarily help you out of the blue, out of the kindness of their nature, and it's just really neat. I am not used to asking for help, so it was something I chose to interpret as a life lesson in a way. Kinda like karma in a sense...I dunno, maybe that sounds wishy washy to some people, but it's something I think about a lot. Like, do you ever just have a day where you are really tuned into your intuition and things just flow?! I've been having a lot of those the past couple months since I figured out how to really focus, it's been crazy cool.
Anyways, I'm actually enjoying myself now that I have finally let go and gave into the refeed. So for anyone out there who is struggling...it's just one week.
Plan it out, do your thang, but embrace it
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